23rd March 2011
Post with 10 notes
- “Salve Nauta” across my knuckles: That’s “Hello, Sailor” in Latin. How many times have you wanted to make a Mae West-esque pass at a classics scholar and not known how best to break the ice? All the time, right? Now you can just punch ‘em in the face with both fists! Then they’ll totally ask for your number!
- Elbow-length, black gloves: For a touch of elegance.
- A cute boy’s number on the back of my hand: Then everyone will know how awesome and desirable I am and will invite me to all their parties, and they’ll ask about whose number it is, and I’ll be all coy about it and say things like “Wouldn’t you like to know!” before somebody points out that it starts with “555,” and then I’ll be like [sotto voice] “Just shut up, okay? Why do you have to ruin this for me?”
- A bandit mask over my eyes: I could just rob a bank whenever!
- A tramp stamp of a wolf’s face, flanked by killer piranha side-pieces: I tried this out as a temporary tattoo, and it just made me feel so powerful, you know?
- The word “DIGNITY” across my collarbone, in giant Gothic script: You know how there’s that ludicrous tattoo deterrent for women “Think about how it would look with your wedding dress!” Well goddamn, if I had DIGNITY tattooed across my collarbone, I think it would look just fantastic! I would wear a strapless dress, just to show it off, and everyone would be dabbing at their eyes with lacy handkerchiefs and saying “What a dignified bride!”
- Friendly sideburns, like Chester A. Arthur: Just until I can grow my own.
Tagged: liststattoos
18th March 2011
Post with 19 notes
Things I have said indignantly in the past
- “You don’t know shit about Spicy Rice.”
- “Who does that jerk think he is? Telling me, me, about Batman!”
- “So maybe don’t go around trying to correct people’s grammar at parties, guy.”
Things I am likely to say indignantly in the future
- “What do you mean the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack isn’t good sex music?!”
- “No, James Cameron, you’re the blowhard.”
- “Well perhaps you should have brought your own kazoo.”
Tagged: listsabout how i'm a jackass
9th March 2011
Post with 4 notes
Inspired by This Recording’s current series of the three favorite novels of various writers from the internet, I thought I’d say a thing or two about mine, because I A) am self-important about my opinions, and B) love bandwagons!
- The Long Goodbye, Raymond Chandler: I have a track record of over-identifying with Philip Marlowe, and the character is at his best in this, one of Chandler’s last novels. He is never funnier, sadder, or more weary than he is here. A great story of the long-term cost of having a moral code (even when you don’t hew to it), it’s florid (Chandler’s language is, as always, to die for), gritty, and sentimental all at once.
- The Master and Margarita, Mikhail Bulgakov: Bulkgakov takes much of what was wonderful about Goethe’s Faust and synthesizes it into a story that is by turns hilarious, phantasmagoric, and moving. Like in The Long Goodbye, the characters are often punished for trying to do the right thing, but in The Master and Margarita they are ultimately redeemed for it. A beautiful apologia for art and imagination. I may or may not have named by first car (a ‘91 Toyota Previa) after the giant, talking cat. There’s a giant, talking cat.
- The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay, Michael Chabon: As someone who loves both comics and feelings, this is probably a pretty obvious choice on my part. A wonderful testament to both the power and the limits of escapism.
- Okay, they only did three, but this is my Tumblr, MY RULES, WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?!, and thus, The Age of Innocence, Edith Wharton: It’s no secret that I am endlessly fascinated by repressed old money (see also: Metropolitan, the Winklevi), and Edith Wharton has the absolute last word on the matter. And like Chandler, she has an absolute genius for turning a phrase.
Tagged: bookslistsrequired reading
5th February 2011
Link with 14 notes
Here are some good ideas for things to do on Valentine’s Day:
- Make Valentines: This is a great activity because it requires little to no skill, is an excuse to use every terrible pun in your arsenal, leaves you covered in glitter, and then you have a bunch of delightful presents to give to everyone you like. At least one of them must have a joke about how “Valentine’s Day” and “venereal disease” have the same initials or you have failed at everything and must go home.
- Give candy conversation hearts another try: This will invariably result in you remembering how gross and chalky candy conversation hearts are, but if you don’t finish the whole box you have failed at everything and must go home.
- Cause mischief: I know that this is traditionally a Halloween thing, but Halloween and I don’t have such a good track record, and besides, no one sees it coming on Valentine’s Day! Everyone expects you to be making out in a candlelit room, so they will have their guard down, and you can get up to all kinds of shenanigans, and if you waste that opportunity you have failed at everything and must go home.
- Find as many dates as you can: Do I mean this in the sense of having lots of fun hanging out with all your friends or being some kind of lothario who gets it on with everybody? Or even in the sense of going to the grocery store and getting a bunch of the fruit that grows on palm trees? That’s for you to decide, but if you don’t make a decision you have failed at everything and must go home.
- Don’t spend money on any Valentine’s Day products not meant for children: Hideous diamond heart jewelry? Tacky flower arrangements? Un-clever, overly saccharine cards that don’t have a single Star Wars character or Jonas Brother on them? If you cast your monetary vote on such garbage you have failed at everything and must go home.
- Watch a fantastic movie: Rosemary’s Baby and the original Stepford Wives are great if you want to go in the Ira Levin direction (AND WHY WOULDN’T YOU). If you’re feeling like you need more disco and/or thick heads of hair you can watch Boogie Nights or Saturday Night Fever. Or do what I did a couple years back and go with all your friends to see a ’70s porno on the big screen in 3D! The options are limitless, but if you watch a movie adapted from a Jane Austen novel you have failed at everything and must go home (eternal exception: Clueless, because it is one of the greatest films of the 20th century).
- Reenact Plato’s Symposium: Get a bunch of artists and intellectuals schwasted at a dinner party, and have them monologue by turns on the nature of love. You don’t have to do it in Attic Greek, but I mean, it’s not really going to impress anybody if you don’t. At the very least let the person who is speaking wear a bedsheet and/or a laurel wreath because trust me, if you don’t, you will feel like you have failed at everything and must go home.
- Toast mini-marshmallows over a candle: Like you even need an excuse.
So there’s my advice! Hope you all enjoy your V. D.!
Tagged: holidayslistssuggestionsvalentine's daysuperheroes
18th January 2011
Post with 7 notes
- “I am an unemployed comedian (???).”
- “I have like, four blogs.”
- “I am a former Latin student.”
- “I am a living, breathing New York Times trend piece.”
- “I am trying to insinuate myself with the internet literati.”
- “I am a victim of the economy.”
- “I mostly just take screengrabs of Kanye tweets.”
- “I have gotten very good at making fried egg sandwiches.”
- “I read comic books all day.”
- “Right now I’m selling my jeans for gas money.”
- “I’m working on my brand.”
Tagged: listsglamourous lifestyles
2nd January 2011
Post with 2 notes
- the toasts of the Royal Navy (with their corresponding days)
- the theme song to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Tagged: listsholidayscommand performances
28th December 2010
Post with 5 notes
- Most Exceeded Expectation: That Piranha 3D would be great. Between the gory demise of Richard Dreyfuss, the clever homages to Jaws, the best ending ever, and the blood feud with James Cameron, Piranha 3D was unquestionably my favorite movie of the year.
- Most Routinely Mindblowing Writer of Comics: Grant Morrison.
- Greatest Betrayal of Childhood Memory: The discovery that astronaut food is, in fact, horrible.
- Best Metal: Gold.
- Most Comforting Inanimate Object: Tiny Mickey Rourke.
- Best Food: Tie—donuts and tacos.
- Best Affirmative Punctuation: Meteors.
- Most Persuasive Reason to Avoid the Famima! on Hollywood Blvd: Getting repeatedly hit on by the cashier named “Rambo”.
- Best Accidental First Date: Going to meet David Lynch at the LA Festival of Books.
- Best Performance by Heretofore Unappreciated (by me) Genre: Tie—pulp crime fiction and early-to-mid-20th century country music.
- Greatest Inconvenience: Lack of teleportation.
- Most Pleasant Eye Crinkles: Jeff Bridges.
- Funniest Object: Fake money.
Tagged: liststhe year that was
